In December of 2006, my husband and I learned a baby was on the way. We were overjoyed. But as the knitting in my womb took place, ( Psalm 139), it seemed like God had dropped a stitch.
It happened at seven weeks along. I lay in the emergency room one late night, squinting to see the blinking light of a heartbeat showing me all was okay— but not fabulous. Doctors reported a tiny detachment of the placenta.
I began the way of worrying. I would probably miscarry. I would need to be on bedrest. I would never gain enough weight. The baby would be a preemie. I was too old to have a baby.
August of 2007, baby announced she was making her way into the world two weeks early. I wasn’t sure God’s knitting was ready to cast off. I wasn’t sure the stiches were firm. I wasn’t sure I knew what being a mom was all about. But this was the way it happened.
“Say hello to your baby girl” I heard. She was red, yellow, and tiny. After 5 seconds of bonding, there was more in the way of pain, discomfort, sickness, exhaustion and passing out. This was in place of the “piece of cake” losing of the placenta. Twelve hours later, I bonded with my child. Not the way I pictured it.
Our baby girl grew in size and a crown of blond hair. Surely that wasn’t in the knitting pattern! I was a dark haired, brown eyed, dark skinned mother. I was supposed to be dominant. But there she was our Goldi- all blond and blue eyed.
Goldi wouldn’t eat much. Things were too cold or or too hot. Fruits and vegetables were too slippery or too wet. Goldi wouldn’t sleep much unless we broke the rules. (on her tummy, was exactly the way she slept the best. ) Goldi didn’t like certain sounds. A bird clock was too strange. A vaccum was too loud. She didn’t like certain sights. Car Washes too scary. Tall men too intimidating. Clothes’ tags were too scratchy. Life with Goldi seemed to be a constant search of the just right.
Goldi skipped along and swung on swings. She twirled in her tu tu and loved to be high on Daddy’s shoulders. She liked huge piles of books for just turning the pages. She wanted bubbles and freedom to splash wherever there was water. These were all her just right things.
Sometimes things were far from just right. There were screams over small things, fixations on strange things, and lots of speaking in tongues. There was stemming, tears, behavior plans needing developing, and sleepless nights. Making things just right for Goldi was such work and sometimes even impossible. Raising a child with autism, was not the journey we had in mind. We found ourselves on the wrong way. All the wrong way signs I’d seen said “Do not Enter.”
I began to put pieces together, putting myself on the “What if way”. The early visit to the emergency room, the placenta detachment, the early delivery- if it hadn’t been that way , we would not be on this wrong way path.
But my idea of wrong was God’s idea of right. Goldi’s way has been an “out of the ordinary way.” But the Author of Goldi’s way, the One who didn’t drop a stitch from the beginning, says, “I will show you THIS is the way. Walk in it.”
Walking this way , we’ve been more assured that everything went exactly as planned. As we discover more of Goldi’s way, we realize – it isn’t too hard for us to handle. It isn’t impossible. It’s the way of God’s leading. It’s a way that has been more than just right. Walking this way including Goldi’s way, is just perfect. We wouldn’t want it any other way.