I have asked a lot of questions about autism. Some, in my learning, I have answered. Not in a “that’s a fact” way, but in a way that helps me stop asking that particular questions. Some, reside in wondering. Because when it comes to autism, it is a mystery. There is no real answer sometimes to the why, what, and how. Sometimes, that will always be the case with autism.

Is having autism a sin? Is it because I am a sinner who gave birth to a sinner? Did God purposely drop a stitch when He knit Goldie together in my womb because He had a purpose?

Does Goldie’s brain look different than mine? Aren’t all brains uniquely designed even though we all have the same parts but God uniquely put us together. Each brain is crafted wonderfully. So is Goldie’s brain all that different than mine?  

Do any nonverbal autistic people learn to talk without a computer or tablet? Are their voice boxes only capable of grunts and groans? Or is it like selective mutism where they are choosing not to talk because of fear, stress, or worry? I told a story to some nonverbal autistic kids. After telling it only two times, they were saying some of the words. Was that some sort of miracle?

Why do some autistic people say that autism is their superpower? What do they mean? Is it a self-esteem boost? Or is it a word that really describes who they are? Is there really something “super” about them like having an excellent memory, able to draw a detailed blueprint of the Smithsonian having seen it only once, or like having an enormous file cabinet of facts inside of their brain. Goldie has never said her autism is her superpower. I wonder why? 

How do you convince people that if you have meant one autistic person who have met one autistic person. That’s all.  “I just know that they are autistic” is something I heard a lot. Especially as a teacher. But this label is not the one for all! Right? If you have bitten into one apple, there are hundreds of other apples to bite into as well.  They all have a different color- not just red. They all have a taste and a texture- not just crunchy. And not all apples are made for apple pie either! 

Like cancer, is autism doomed to have no cure and only treatment? It is a life long condition. So it is a life long journey. But if we can send a guy all the way to the moon, why can’t we find a cure for either one? Would those with autism want to be cured? 

I wonder what people who live and love someone with autism would say to a person who does not know anyone with autism? It seems like if you live with someone with autism, it becomes so real, so natural, you almost can’t imagine it any other way.  People who live, love, and care for someone with autism, are so used to this way of life, they might not even see the word “autism” tattooed on their forehead. They just know them. They have a name not a label. This is our daughter “Goldie,” not this is our autistic daughter, Goldie. 

I wonder what people with autism are thinking or imagining when they see other people without autism doing they don’t do? Goldie doesn’t drive yet. She doesn’t take AP classes to earn college credit. She may not every marry. Do those who have autism look at all the neurotypical kids without autism and wish, dream, and hope, they can do the same things one day even if not now?